>>> 210107

why does my life seem to be filled with nothing but anger, frustration, disappointment and regret?


>>> 130107

i dunno if anyone even reads my random rants.

a lot of pple ask why im so enthu about overseas, why im against studying uni in singapore. true, staying in singapore does make things a lot easier, you can just remain in your little comfort zone and stay there like some pampered kitten (this is purely an analogy, no offence meant to anyone)... but recently i realised that apart from gaining new experience, i also want to escape all the unhappy stuff that has happened during jc... and im pretty sick of the education system here. seriously.

and to you - though i know you most likely wont read this - i appreciate it that you're trying to repair the animosity between us, and i can safely say that i no longer hate you. i dunno, i dont think i ever did hate, hate is such a strong emotion that it seems to be associated with love (for me). i admit that i was very irritated with you for what you did to me at the beginning of j1, but in all honesty i never did love you and im pretty sure thats the same for you. perhaps thats why i got over it pretty fast. (i dont know if this makes sense, but yeah).

i was telling rongsiu today, when i find out what uni im going to, whether its in uk or us or singapore, i most likely wont be telling anyone from class, maybe a select few only. depends on what uni i go to. i'll just fade quietly into the background. escaping the shackles of a period of time that caused me so much misery.

i realised i like to wonder about what the outcomes my actions wld be if i had taken a different route.

please please please please please. two things. and my life will be perfect (suyi says im exaggerating here cause im going to face many more obstacles along the way… but honestly, i know it!!! im so sure about this i’ve never been more despo for anything in my life)... i hope my prayers wont go unanswered.

and i was telling rongsiu and tzekwan (the latter some time back)… i dont know how to interpret my emotions. cause sometimes i miss you so much that i have recurring dreams about me calling you or meeting you (this is no joke. its pathetic but i cant help it!!! LOL), but sometimes when i hear stuff about you i just hate you like a lump of shit. probably cause you just left. i never quite forgave you for that (i think). is it so hard to remain friends? and the worst part is i dont know why you dont want to. do you find it hard to face me or do you think i've found someone else.

oh, a third thing - i just want us to be friends again. is that so hard? i really do.

but yet, i feel foolish for even entertaining that thought. cause it'll most likely never happen. and thats when the anger seeps in - yet its not pure anger, its more like a sort of bitterness tinged with regret.

i could easily dismiss this, saying 'well thats life' (which it is), i can block it out of my conscious mind only to be plagued with dreams of imagined scenarios. but that wont bring me closure. just because you were treated this way... does that mean you have to treat me this way too?

ok this is getting incoherent. but i meant every word i said in this entry.

i really hope uni life will give me some happiness, at the very least. but yet, even if it doesnt, what to do? thats life.


>>> irreplaceable

so since im not your everything
how about i'll be nothing
nothing at all to you
>> irreplaceable; beyonce


>>> 070107

ok last night's dream kinda freaked me out. i literally woke up in shock la.

i realised that my dreams are always a reflection of whats bothering me, as in my feelings... just that they manifest in different ways... and a lot of the time i dream of running away from stuff? does that mean im an escapist? used to hate you for being one, but maybe im one too...

ok i decided not to write about the dream. it exposes too much about myself -.-


>>> 060107

i really couldnt help it, thinking about the past made me cry.

it sucks when u miss someone so much but that person doesnt give a shit about you.


>>> 050107

ok i was so bored i actually painted my nails. well they dont look bad. (i think)

anw i keep getting waves of a certain emotion. (shant say what it is here, later i jinx myself. ahah)

nothing much to update about.


>>> reminiscence

sometimes u feel like u've forgotten abt stuff, but a long time later u look back and think of a particular incident, and that incident makes u feel damn pissed even though u didnt feel angry at that point of time.

:/

>>> 040107

omg i just discovered that nail polish remover dissolves superglue!


>>> 030107

heres something from jingxuan's blog:

I still can't get over the fact that there was no proper goodbye, no proper closure. like you left with the door still open. come back and close it tight, will you, before leaving again?

wish you would, ha! :/ (not referring to jx la)

anyway went out with rongsiu yest, wasnt very eventful, went seoul garden to eat lunch cum dinner, ate until wanna die, ate so much. anw i think the only nice teppanyaki thing is the black pepper beef. dun like the other kinds of beef much, didnt eat much chicken. then we stuffed ourselves with the stuff we cooked in the soup. i think they need more variety when it comes to soup ingredients :/ hahaah.

oh, and we heated a clam shell on the teppanyaki thing until it went POP and we realised it had cracked due to the heat!!

shopped ard at far east. it does have some pretty stuff.

starting to jf soon with siaoer. HAHAH.

120788
rgs
rjc






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