>>> 310506

feel like puking dunno why.

>>> xiaoguilin

spent the entire day at xiaoguilin for cip. 12 hours.

i think cip has really lost its essence cos now people do it so that it'll look good on their testimonial, not cos they really want to help the community. and i dunno leh, but stoning at xiaoguilin and watching people do electrolysis on newater and chopping and signing doesnt really seem to help the community in any way whatsoever.

but oh well. it was -KINDA- fun in a weird way i guess. just that i got tired and sian and hot and bothered after a while and all i wanted to do was go home.

found this on someone's blog.

"It's risky, falling in love."

"I know that. I've been in love before. It's like a narcotic. At first, it brings the euphoria of complete surrender. The next day, you want more. You're not addicted yet, but you like the sensation, and you think you can still control things. You think about the person you love for two minutes, and forget them for three hours.

But then you get used to the person, and you begin to be completely dependent on them. Now you think about him for three hours and forget him for two minutes. If he's not there, you feel like an addict who can't get a fix. And just as addicts steal and humiliate themselves to get what they need, you're willing to do anything for love."

how true.

i thought you'd never hurt me.

dont say you love someone unless you really mean it. i thought you did, but now i find it hard to believe.

what i feel now is no longer worry, nor anxiousness. its just disappointment and a tiny bit of sadness, i guess.

is it so hard to reply a damnit letter?

if you loved me, even once before, surely you wouldnt treat me this way.

is this what you want?

sometimes i wonder if you regret what you said, do you?

fuck. i hate myself.


>>> 300605

AHHH I CAN DO IT ):

this reminds me so much of january ):

MUGMUGMUG!!


>>> 290506

i keep eating. i cant stand it. im getting freaking fat.

i find it very fascinating how some people live in this ideal world where they think everything is so beautiful and nice and everything, while some people have seen everything falling apart in front of them. im not talking about some people having the perfect life and some having the not-so-perfect life, more that some people dont know what certain obstacles in life are like and how the sadness related to it feels cause they havent really experienced it. and they cant empathise when people talk about stuff related to certain kinda problems. as in this isnt meant to sound bitter... i just find it interesting. heh.

have resolved not to eat fried food on weekdays. HAHAHA.


>>> 270506

says:
mm.. it depends on pple. at times when they say they dun wanna hurt u, but in the process of doing what they think can minimise the hurt, they'll end up hurting u more badly.

didnt know if you'd mind my posting this so i shant show the nick (:

think that pretty much sums up one of the weirdest ironies in life.


>>> 250506

strangely neutral.

im damn scared though. all my hair is dropping out.

i think i've learnt so much.


>>> 230506

gp common test is tomorrow, im kinda worried but i dont know how to prep.

i choose to ignore my feelings nowadays; waiting till they overwhelm me.

sigh whatever. come what may.


>>> 220506

went out with jing after school, ok we just went topshop in wisma cos she wanted to buy smth. that woman blew 133 on a pair of shorts! i couldnt believe my ears la when i heard the price! lol.

came home, slept.

i feel rather stressed nowadays ): sigh.

im so tired of wishing for things that dont come.

I WONT MOPE ANYMORE (I HOPE) :/

anyway i realised that most of the stuff i remember about secondary school is happy, i mean the sec3 and sec4 years. i dont remember being worried about o's, ranting, crying, stuff like that, although jing says i did. oh wells. but i realised yesterday that if you ask me to think of memories in jc, 95% of what i remember is unhappy. i dont know why. the 5% is probably meeting nice people i wldnt have known if i didnt come rj la. and the thing that made me happiest once has been squashed and stomped on.

i think i sound freaking depressed...

life is full of contradictions and ironies and stuff you cant do for the sake of other people.

blame, responsibility, care, friendship, sensitivity, anger, sadness, jealousy, love. so seemingly different yet inexplicably intertwined.

(:

... that was a fake smiley ):


>>> smelly rubbish

you dont know how pathetic you are.

anyway i think its quite fascinating if you think that every person enters your life for a different reason (:

ok random rubbishy entry.

>>> 210506

want to say stuff but i think this isnt the right place.

): ...


>>> photo

going for zhan ma cip later.

slept damn early yest so im awake early.

anyway i've realised i've been consciously but yet unconsciously (dont know if this is understandable) trying to block off stuff related to everything thats happened... had a nice dream just now; it was nice until i realised it was just a dream!! )): so i lay there feeling sad. but after i got up i didnt feel so sad anymore, maybe my mind is less 'inhibited' or smth when im asleep or when i've just awoken. haiz ):

when you told me that you loved me
were those just words?
you cant tell me you dont need me
and i know that hurts
cos im looking at your picture
cos its all i've got
maybe one day you and me will have
one more shot
>> photo; ryan cabrera

somehow the 'maybe one day you and me will have one more shot' sounds kinda deluded? sort of. dunno la maybe im just jaded from everything nowadays.

i expect too much; before this i warned myself time and again not to expect too much, yet stuff that happened made me think after a while that it was ok to expect it. now i realise i shouldnt have.

its amazing how much one can learn from events in life, just in a rather sad way.

to all those that asked if im okay, yes i am. (meaning that i wont DIE cause of this)

i cant figure out why things turned out this way )):


>>> 190506

i dont know if im pmsing or what but i feel quite sad and worried. cant pinpoint about what though.

went out with huiling and may after school today, its been ages.

and i've realised that being nice can still mean that ure selfish. as in, its not very obvious but i just feel that some peoples' actions show that they only care for themselves. ah dunno la. cant say much here also.

i've realised that shallow/superficial friendships cant be depended on :/

i cant stand self-righteous people. go to hell lar. (i think only huiling would know what im talking about) i mean, ure not wrong cause thats what you stand for, but i really cant stand it when ure decisions affect me. (ok to be exact, i get damn irritated) snort. okay whatever.

dinnertime!


>>> 140506

you closed the door on me.


>>> 130506

hello. in bad mood now. dont know why. my moods are like some bloody rollercoaster. im happy one minute, sad the next. and i realised i constantly need distraction; so i wont think of sad things and get myself sad ): haiz.

i think im very emotionally unstable.

sigh. bye.


>>> i wish i could say i was

apathy's good, sometimes (:

this is my third entry in a day. hahaha.

>>> calm

okay i've realised that the best thing to do is not to do anything. HAHA.

(: ha.

>>> 120506

its 113am now. i just woke up.

its exactly two months to my eighteenth birthday.

* ***** * **** ***** ** ****** *******.

was talking to jiv today and i realised that the feelings experienced by crushes look like enzyme curve. HAHAHA. like it increases to a peak, when u really like that person a lot then after that it decreases and you just become sad or whatever.

oh and we found dave sim in the njc yearbook, he looked funny. he was from 96s16. hahahaa. (i just realised he's one year younger than my brother lol cant imagine my brother teaching physics though, he'd probably die of exasperation from people like me.)

damnit lar. why do i find it so freaking hard to let go. it never used to be like this. but even sadness changes with time - first its longing and pining, then its replaced by something else, i cant quite pinpoint it; disappointment? not really. i dont know what. its just knowing that the situation cant be changed and hence feeling kinda sad.

ah whatever lah.

*kills everyone*

heex.


>>> post-concert

oh, this is crazy. tired from the concert still even though i had a short afternoon nap (well, short for MY standards anyway) and i have a TON of homework. what the hell. stupid chem retest. ARH JIU MING AH. oh and im sick too. rongsiu passed cough to me! ): but at least it isnt as bad as the last time when i couldnt swallow!

concert! was a blast! but somehow now it seems like just a faraway memory. wonder why? anyway my nine years of erhu-ing have come to an end, it seems amazing how long i've spent on co practices, practising erhu, going for private lessons etc... even though co is considered uncool and everything but i really treasure the memories that came about by my choosing to learn this! meeting my wonderful rgco and rjcohuuz batchmates, going for lessons on sundays (yes i miss!), taking bus with james after, meeting may sometimes for her to pass me stuff after lessons, practising from MORNING TO NIGHT in sec3 for my 9th grade exam, going to toapayoh north cc to practise with the accompaniment, oh i miss so much. precious memories these are! funny how my life has progressed since primary school. lol.

PHOTOS OF CONCERT! :D


rjcohuuz yay! all dolled up! :D


me and tzekwan! chiobus :D HAHA during concert itself when we werent playing :D LOVE!


RG CLAN IN RJCOHUUZ! yay! from left to right: mingyan, rachel, me, vivian, keting, tzekwan and xianwen! :D

yay makeup makes everyone look good :D anyway i have other pics but i didnt take as many as i would have liked, no camera mah so had to keep koping from people haas. esplanade dressing rooms are cool! they look like hotel rooms but sadly mine was quite small even though it was shared by like, 7 people?!?! lols! and the corridors and everything kinda look like that of a hospital :D but anyhows it was cool! good experience hahas!

okay i shall end off here, MAYBE more photos to come.


>>> day before esplanade concert

HECTIC, HECTIC WEEKEND (:

yesterday was dance night, amarante! went with the girls - siaoer, jean, rongs! 4 people in 4 different places trying to meet up was dead confusing but we managed it ((: then walked to victoria theatre, siaoer said they'd close the doors at 715 but they were open till like after 730? hahaha. but oh well (: anyway it was nice! quite ok for 16 bucks i think. liked the jazz, latin ballroom and hiphop numbers!

today was the last co prac of my life, ever! unless i for some reason decide to get erhu lessons again, but i dont know if that'll happen hahaa.

and tomorrow's co concert at ESPLANADE! yayy! hahahaa. the biggest concert i've ever been in, i guess, the last big one was the rgco one in 2004 at vch. which, on hindsight, wasnt very big but i was dead excited abt it at that time. i was telling huiling, how come we seemed so excited abt that one but now we're just like 'oh, concert tmr. quite scared'? hahaha maybe its age. getting old lol (:

im supposed to be helping to do makeup for the erhu girls tmr i hope i dont disfigure people too badly :/ heex!

i sound happier, dont i? i guess that week+ of break or whatever you call it did me good? hehh. oh wells.

but i guess its natural to miss someone who was once so much a part of your life, even though it didnt last. shant say much here though.

i wonder what tmr will be like, i think i'll update about it when its over. anyway bathing time now, bye computer people :D


>>> 020506

i guess siaoer's right, some things do take time. i never thought i'd need this long though :/ haha.

feeling a tiny bit better compared to the past few days (:

shucks la need to go practise... full-dress rehearsal tmr! and i have to do chem too ):

BYE!

120788
rgs
rjc






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